A little rant

Today, you get a taste of my "dear diary" thoughts because I love you like that🤭😘

Hii Pookiess. My sincere apologies (to myself lol) for not posting in a while after promising myself to be consistent. But here I am (almost a month later) and it's okay. I had been caught up with life happenings including trying to satisfy a board of examiners with trust issues. Like why can't they just trust that we are smart enough to have understood everything?! I mean, I have trust issues too but not at the expense of anyones will to exist!! And all this torture just for the honourable govt to pay us a loud peanuts for internship?? Crazyyy!!

Also, I have been feeling some sort of disconnection tbh. Disconnection from pretty much everything. I hate to admit this because I am a believer of the phrase “confession is possession” mainly because it was shoved down my throat by my mother as I was growing up(love that woman to bits). But it's the truth. I have gaslit myself out of the truth until I can't anymore (someone get me a bottle of Sauvage dior and a dholuo man's name to complete my gaslighter starter pack). I hereby pronounce myself Sally Nkirote Kariuki- Omondi. I'm not trying to ruffle any feathers please .

Back to my point, the disconnection is so real. So corporeal even! I could hold it in my hands. I somehow feel like a mouse in a maze. Like a stowaway in my own ship. But is that not life?

I feel like my impetus to connect with people and get stuff done is slowly but surely fragmenting. Why? Let's try to break this down, you're stuck with me now.

1. IDK!!

   And that's just the problem!! I love my world in black and white. But now, I am in a rut, a gray area. I freaking hate it when I can't point a finger to something. Maybe because I am too used to shifting the blame, maybe not.I like knowing the reason behind things, obsessively. But now that I can't point a finger to this, I feel powerless in my rightfully owned jurisdiction (i.e. my life).

   Such a bad feeling if you ask me, but I have to embrace every part of life, every little corner and bump, every little heeeh, eiii and aiii. Because I only get one life. So i have to embrace it. I have to sit with the feelings and allow myself to feel them as they course through my throat to a near chock and a near desperate gasp for air.

   I more often than not wish we had a manual for it though. I'd rummage through the pages to get solutions to everything, large or small including how to hold my tears back when faced by the most minute inconveniences lol.

2. My realisations.

   I think I have been quite misanthropic when it comes to myself. Crazy, right? Don't judge. Maybe you are also. Hear me out. Have you ever felt like it was so hard to forgive yourself, no? Ok. I have. I don't even know why. But to be fairly honest, I haven't been giving myself the grace I deserve. I try to roughen myself out of mistakes sometimes. But it's not supposed to be that way. I am learning that I need to give myself grace through the mistakes because this is my first life. If I were a reincarnated being, then getting angry at myself for mistakes would make so much sense. Because was the first trial a waste?! Girl!! But I'm not!!

   Let me digress a bit. I feel like reincarnated beings would be so mean and impatient. Almost like your primary math teacher who was so fed up teaching the same crap over and over again and couldn't figure out why the pupils weren't understanding the stupid concepts like Pythagoras theorem which they'd never use in their lives anyway. How great!!

3. I am quite the heavy handed young lady.

   In the sense that I am too generous sometimes. This ranges from my inability to know how much salt is too much ( my ancestors dealt me a bad hand with that one) to somehow not being able to adequately use the simple statement “No” when it comes to people. Please note, I said statement. Not phrase. Not word.

   Don't get me wrong. This doesn't mean I let people walk all over me, but I just don't say no. Let me explain that a little more. Someone tells me to give them my phone. I'll be like “Why?” or “Aii” or “It's my phone” or “ngori” but never “No”. You get me now? I'll give a reason as to why I won't do it instead of saying “No” and maybe that is why I fail to imply that it's not up for discussion. I just grew up feeling like “no” is such a harsh thing to say. But in real sense, it's not. And frankly, that has earned me so much trouble and discomfort in my own life. I have had visceral interactions with the shorter end of the stick, proudly sponsored by the “no-phobia”. I am working on it though and the fact that I have realised a loop hole means I'm a step closer to sealing it don't you think?

4. This one doesn't have a heading, but I feel bad because of my inability to complete a piece I started writing. I'll post it later, hopefully it makes it out of my diary. It is about grief. About someone whom I loved, but must have been tricked by the grim reaper or maybe just lost a game of poker to him idk. I'm somehow unable to tap into that space where I can continue writing it, but I will!! I know it. I can do all things I put my mind and effort in!!( Not me being a motivational speaker)

I'm glad you stuck around to this point. So, I'll reward you with food for thought. Something that may come in handy. It is something I learnt from a tiktok video. I'll put it in 2 sentences.

• Life will meet you halfway.

• You will get what you negotiate for, not what you deserve.

This is what it means to me: No one deserves to suffer. No one deserves to be poor. No one deserves to have emotional turmoils. No one deserves to have struggles. But life doesn't care about what you deserve. So negotiate your way into stuff e.g. You deserve the honourable title “daktari”? Go to med school(in better words: put your mental health on the line)and work yourself off. Take that to the negotiation table.

You deserve to be rich or kutoka kwa block? Think outside the box or whatever they say. Find something you can do and commercialise it. Then you'll have something to take to the negotiation table.

You deserve a man that spoils you siss?? Be honest about it. Say your expectations out loud and upfront. Let them call you materialistic. Who cares! Then take that to the negotiation table.

Life will meet you half way. You have to do your part!! Get it? I hope so.

With that, I have come to the end of one of many rant sessions, I have been your host, Sally Nkirote Kariuki- Omondi lol.

Until next time, kisses pookie.